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Sunday, December 27th, 2009
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jillianann
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Morning Bell
(RadioHead)
The morning bell
The morning bell
Light another candle and
Release me
Release me
You can keep the furniture
A bump on the head
Howling down the chimney
Release me
Release me
Please
Release me
Release me
Where'd you park the car
Where'd you park the car
Clothes are on the lawn with the furniture
Now I might as well
I might as well
Sleepy jack the fire drill
Round and round and round
Cut the kids in half
Cut the kids in half
Cut the kids in half
I wanted to tell you but you never listened
You never understand
I wanted to tell you but you never listened
You never understand
Cos I'm walking walking walking...
The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a
The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a slave
Walking walking walking...
The lights are on but nobody's at home
Everybody wants to be a
Everyone wants to be a friend
Nobody wants to be a slave
Walking walking walking...
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, December 25th, 2009
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jillianann
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The holidays often tend to be a time for me to reflect maybe because since I left home its been one of the few times when the industry sleeps at least more then usual and many go home often leaving me a bit more space then usual.
I enjoy this space, silence, solitude, nature, walking in the canyon, connecting to the divine being filled to the point of bursting and reminded of things which bring tears out of love to my eyes. Places which have always been there and are always there places where nothing matters, nothing can touch me, nothing can take away the joy and love that is.
Of course the challenge is not to be able to connect in solitude, in nature or in settings which plugging in seems to come without even trying but to stay that way all the time in a world which can sometimes challenge that connection in one way or another. What amazes me is I see things have dreams years before and then one day sometimes a decade later I end up there and its one of those experiences that leaves me without words and yet sometimes its those dreams and visions that keep me putting one foot in front of the other.
For many out there these are difficult times for one reason or another, and I know if I didn't have my connection and dreams and visions there have been times and places which would have been very difficult to walk through. Which is why I feel is so vital to have dreams, visions, and stay as connected as possible through the soul, granted there are many ways to do it, to each their own for really the rest of this is like water, it flows moves changes at the speed of light and we cannot hold onto it....
Over the years the dreams remain the same for me, but how it happens and who I share them with is something I learned I have to not hold onto . There were times when for one reason or another someone I was sharing a dream with was no longer there, or I couldn't stay there without it actually killing me or the dream spiritually or otherwise and in those situations it involved having faith in the unseen the unknown and letting go of everything and finding myself in a space where all I had was a dream and a connection.
This has happened to me so many times now and each time with a greater intensity it has taught me that the more I just open up and let go the more room there is for growth. I have embraced loss as much as gain, and suffering as much as bliss for I learned that they all only teach and expand and to try to not embrace them only leads to a slow death for what is , is and to deny it is to cut a part of yourself off.
Granted this doesn't make it easy, it doesn't mean you wont find me crying , if you know me well enough there may have been a time you have seen it, but crying or working through something is needed in order to remain here...
Yesterday I got a suicide notice, its the second one in three months, from people I know in the industry. I did what I usually do which is all I can to prevent and that usually means sending others over including those who could actually drag someone to a hospital and hook them up to machines. Both times they failed, and yet I get it, its dark out there and if you just stare in the dark it can make you feel that way and I get it...
But there is always hope and always love out there, we have to chose what we believe in what we do and what we feed, we may not have the lover, house, cars, money, power, fame, or even a home or a job at the moment. But we have tomorrow and tomorrow is whatever we make it, and whatever was happened to teach us bring us show us something. I've had everything in a worldly sense and I have lost it all too, Be it with my work, love life, or regarding money and things I owned, I am kinda used to being stripped to the bone and having to start over, at first it hurt like hell, then I got used to it, then I learned for all I lost I gained ten times more in other ways...
We have our lives, most of us have food a home a family, friends, if not we have tomorrow in which to create and bring dreams into reality....
Its up to us, to make this world a beautiful place, its up to us to bring beauty and love into this world in whatever way we can... don't wait for someone else to do it, if we all do that we are never going to see it, be it, be the change don't wait around for anyone else to do or give it too you...
Flashback...
I remember somewhere it hit me I was really young in one of my many isolated walks in the woods, I could never run out of love, so I could give it away all the time to everyone and would never run empty , I was never without love, love was always there in its endless supply, that allowed me to love people or at least treat people with love even if they didn't ever give anything back , often we become hurt or bitter if we love and are not loved back, but if you love only to be loved back its not love...
Of course I have learned sometimes I have to not stand in front of someone with a machine gun saying i love you as they shoot me, and to allow someone to harm me is to enable the pattern of harm and so I have learned when to remove myself from situations with as much love as possible without ending up getting completely demolished. Thats been the hardest lesson for me to learn for often I would just stand there until there was so little left that even leaving became difficult.
Granted the machine guns usually come from years of heartbreak and hopelessness which leads to anger and or loss of ones connection for I believe if we are really connected it makes it hard to just hurt each other because if we are connected we know we are all in this together . Love is good at refusing connections but its a battle if someone has a machine gun pointed at you while your trying to offer them a cable to jump the engine.
Love real love can do that, but its like gold its not commonly carried sadly as a currency . When I see it find it or find people who still carry it, It inspires me, for so many lose it, and love isn't about love at all its about control, use, games, or gain.
Hollywood has its fair share of game players, its fair share of people with very pretty very well crafted mask, the games usually have to do with what can I get, and love is used as a currency. I detest this game, I always have and always will, love is not a game and if you try to make it one and I see it I will have no problem going for the heart . We reap what we sow, if you treat love that way you not only will leave burned buildings behind you but eventually your own will no longer be standing.
I hope for the sake of humanity the world and our future for us and our children we collectively find the end game button....
I suppose I should be more holiday spirit, but for me holiday spirit is all about love and reflection awareness dreams and visions, its a time to reflect and dream as well as visualize the future. Not to mention sharing love with your loved ones or yourself...
So that being said... love as if there was no end, no tomorrow and without strings,
:)
Then we can build beautiful things which will remain through any storm, not burn with the fire or be washed away by the water...
Jillian
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
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Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
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Monday, December 21st, 2009
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Sunday, December 20th, 2009
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Saturday, December 19th, 2009
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Friday, December 18th, 2009
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Thursday, December 17th, 2009
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words_fail
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I'm turning 30 tomorrow! I'm excited for the next few days:
Today:
Lunch with Steve & my mom at 1pm
Massage with Michelle at 4pm
Visit with Joanna at 6pm
Friday:
My birthday!
Dinner at Veg Out, a new vegan restaurant in London
Saturday:
Rum & Eggnog at Jim's house. Still need to find a vegan variation!
Legends Tavern for drinks with friends
Next week:
Christmas! Steve got me an iPod touch & I can't wait to use it!
Visits with Candy, Michelle, Lisa and others
Dinner with Steve & our moms, paid for by Steve's work for the awesome job he's been doing in Africa.
I cut off most of my hair the other day! I went to my friend Cheryl, who is amazing and was able to disguise all the parts I had pulled out.
I've dyed my hair darker since this photo was taken, and usually wear it messier.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
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Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
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Monday, December 14th, 2009
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